Untwist Your Thinking: BLAME


Picture © Herb Cohen (www.choiceofdirection.com)

In terms of all the Twisted Thinking Styles, I would guess that this particular one, BLAME, is one the majority of us do. Blame in this case is defined as when you do not accept any blame for actions and everything that is a problem in your life is due to some outside force. You blame the government for blah blah blah. You blame your anger on…

It is a crutch that many of us use in order to make ourselves feel better. It is an instinctual reaction that we do, because we don’t want to internalize ourselves or know we are mad at ourselves, but are afraid to confront that part of us that fails, usually do to past damage that has set our minds to thinking this way about blame. This may be a confusion concept to you, but hold on one second. How does it work that we outwardly blame others for our issues. Here’s how it works.

You get the idea. If you still are struggling to understand how we use Blame in our twisted thinking, watch this brilliant video by Brené Brown on how we blame outside forces very quickly.

Get it now? Most of us do this, right? Not all the time, mind you, but I have been and am still working to stop being a perpetual blamer. When we don’t take the responsibility for our feelings and life, we weaken our own power over caring for ourselves.  No one can really control your feelings, but you. We all want to have someone or something to blame, because we don’t want to face our anger and demons as Brené Brown pointed out.

So, what can you do to try to stop being a Blamer on others and accept that these things happen to overcome the BLAME issue of twisted thinking.

1.       First is to stop being perpetually negative. Things in life happen. Coffee spills, car accidents happen, and life doesn’t always go as planned. Learn to let things flow naturally and don’t put caveats around that. This is a technique for using Mindfulness.

2.       Learn to not react quickly. Like Brené Brown points out, we just want to let go of the anger. Learn to count to ten before reacting. Don’t do things unconsciously. Allow your mind to guide you and not this emotional crutch.

3.       Bite Your Tongue. OK, this is the hardest, particularly for people like me. I feel a release when I say what I feel. But by doing so, many times I am immediately BLAMING. If I don’t say anything or walk away and yell outside, no one is wounded.

4.       Accept that no one intentionally is out to sabotage you. Maybe someone is or maybe they are not. But if you don’t know, don’t fall to blame. If someone is out to hurt you, you still don’t have to blame. Find another way to express this. Use facts and write things down. Be impartial, so as to only share the facts.

Of course, bullying survivors struggle with blame. I was blaming a youth of bullying abuse for my adult anger and anxiety. Was it real? Yes, this was it really happening. But blaming without solving gets us nowhere. If you do not try to get past the issue you are having and rise above, you will be destined to continue to be a blamer. The result, you will be quite an unhappy person and will find that defeat is a destiny. Rise above the blame and accept life for what it is. You are special and deserve to rise above these things and live a full life. You can, if you lose this twisted thinking style and move past blame to solution.

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About bullyingrecovery

Alan Eisenberg is a Certified Life Coach with a niche in bullying and abuse recovery, Bullying Recovery activist, and author of "A Ladder In The Dark: My journey from bullying to self-acceptance". and "Crossing the Line". He has been writing and speaking to various audiences about the issue of C-PTSD and Bullying Recovery. Mr. Eisenberg has been featured on several print, radio shows and podcasts on this issue, including NPR and in the Boston Globe
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