“A family can be the bane of one’s existence. A family can also be most of the meaning of one’s existence. I don’t know whether my family is bane or meaning, but they have surely gone away and left a large hole in my heart.” ~Keri Hulme
Editor’s Note: One of the luckiest parts of starting Bullying Recovery for me has been meeting and working with others who deal with the bullying and abuse world. Dr. Fran White is one of those people. I feel lucky to have met her and the passion she has about the issues of bullying and abuse. We had a wonderful podcast together and now, her voice is coming through in her writings below. She was so kind to say I am a mentor to her as I just continue to do what I feel is important in my work…helping others. I hope you enjoy Dr. White’s posts as much as I do and I hope she will continue to share them here. We are not victims of our past, but survivors. We can move on. ~Alan Eisenberg
FAMILY SECRETS: A JOURNEY OF GOOD AND EVIL was published over four years ago and has received favorable reviews as noted on both the Amazon and Facebook sites. My purpose in writing this blog is not to promote or market this book but to share with my readers the “sequel of reality” surrounding this publication. Most of my blogs have been highly clinical and informational and it was noted, by my dedicated readers, that I do need to become more personal, divulge my feelings and expose my heart for all to see as well as switch hats from clinician to survivor. My recent mentor, Alan Eisenberg, Bully Recovery founder and a podcaster of Health University invited me as a guest on his podcast and encouraged me to share my heart and voice in this internet interview on the topic of bullies and in this published blog.
FAMILY SECRETS was a therapeutic tool for me to revisit my past as well as to reach out to victims of discrimination and the bullies in this world that inflict deep wounds and affect the life of their victims. There are many forms of bullying such as wife abusers, parent abusers, workplace bullies, members of the KKK, past and present political and world leaders as well as the school/playground bully. My own wounds are deep, painful and still throbbing in spite of the number of decades that has passed and the clinical knowledge and expertise that I do possess. Yes, there are many kinds of bullies in this novel which has contributed to my quest to diminish “bullyism” by shouting the logo, KNOWLEDGE IS POWER! Sharing my own story may enlighten victims to become survivors. The following blog is an unfinished sequel to a story of abandonment, racism, and the pain inflicted by bullies upon victims with the belief that they ” have the power to hurt those who appear weaker”, a broad definition of bullies and tends to apply to anyone who is suffering at the hands of uncaring perpetrators who lack a conscience .
Let me begin to share the history of my book and how it still haunts me now and deepens the wounds that were inflicted so long ago. Only two weeks after this book was released by my publisher, I received a message on my office phone answering machine from my long lost sister, Susan, a major character in my book. She fled from my life and family upon a very brief visit to America over forty years ago. FAMILY SECRETS does provide information on her reasons for this visit and her emotional resentment of her biological sister, the father who abandoned her as well as the paternal grandparents who could not legally adopt her. She did find me, once again, by searching my professional ( psychological) associations membership guide and reached my office number, leaving an urgent message that our mother had just died. The lyrics of ” The wicked witch is dead” ran through my mind and may also have echoed into my sister’s as well. This significant event did result in yet another reunion which resulted in a most joyful two weeks with me and my hostessing of Susan’s two half siblings and her niece whom she had never met. Instantaneous bonding resulted and treasured memories were created from this family reunion with genuine tears and strong hugs upon Susan’s departure at the airport. Immediate plans were made for a reciprocal reunion the following summer in London to meet her immediate family. Within days of firming up plane reservations and accommodations, an email was received from Susan directing that all plans should be canceled since this reunion would not occur. Of course, I was stunned, emotionally devastated and quizzical as to the reason for this decision and I proceeded to call, email and send letters to her looking for a reason for this yet another abandonment of me, replicated by a mother and a father early in life.
It has been almost four years since this traumatizing incident with phone calls, letters and emails also sent to those other siblings who participated in that joyous reunion begging for support in providing answers to this mysterious rejection. It was learned earlier that my half sister had joined Susan on a number of Alaskan cruises and Susan flew into my country and over my home state to participate in sibling family events without contacting her biological sister who professed her love and confusion about her decision to abandon me. I have since declared my emancipation and rejection of this family and those who chose to abandon me in my quest to find an answer to my burning question, WHY? Time is of the essence in my life as a seventy plus woman, a three time cancer survivor and, unfortunately, I will have to wait until my time comes when only the Lord will give me the answers to this family secret as well as the unanswered “family secret” described in FAMILY SECRETS: A JOURNEY OF GOOD AND EVIL.
As I always conclude in my blogs with the request that you please do let me hear your voice and your feelings regarding this topic, this most personal story of my life.