It has been a while since I received a personal story from a reader and this one…well it is quite a big story. I must warn readers there is sexual abuse mentioned and other aspects which may not be suitable for younger readers. But this person’s story is important to read. They wish to remain anonymous, but their story is one they want to be shared. They and I welcome comments. Thank you. ~ Alan
To tell the story I need to explain how it all began.
I was born in a town in Buckinghamshire in the March of 1955. To the east and the west were the oldest estates. During the 1920s another estate was built in the north where my maternal nanny eventually moved to. Then during the late
My mummy’s elder sister and her family lived up around the corner. My
My story begins at the start of the school summer holidays in 1963 when I was 8 and a few months old. It was then that the family moved a few streets away to my nanny’s old house. She had moved to a town in Berkshire about 30 miles away, as my step-granddaddy got a transfer to another part of the company.
Soon after we moved we went on our annual holiday for two weeks. As soon as we returned I went down to call on my very best friend Ann. I guess you could say she was my first love, as it hurt me very much when I called
From then on, I must admit my life began to go downhill.
I did like the house we moved to, and not only as it was my nanny’s, but it was bigger, as well as had a much larger garden. The problem was I did not like the boys in the street. There were only 4 that were my
I missed my old road very much, as well as all my best friends who were all about the same age as me. Although I am a male, all my best friends were girls bar one boy who lived
I did not really get on with the boys
Because my brother was more often than not out playing with the boys
Home life did get worse, with my parents arguing most of the time. They were just as bad as each other, and at 9 I was seeing things no child should ever see. I was never a violent
With my home life, even at 9 I now detested violence in any form. Whether a boy picked up on that from my junior school I do not know, but he did start to bully me on the way home.
Things got so bad at home, that at the age of 10, my younger brother and I were sent to live with my maternal nanny. We were there for about 7 months, and as we were away for so long my brother and I had to attend a local school for about 5 months. This not only upset my
Not that long after I started at the secondary school my parents separated. In time I went to live with my
I stayed with them until the start of the school summer holidays when I was 12. Mummy then came and took me away, and told me that I would be living with her and my brother at my maternal nanny’s house that they had only been living in for a couple of years. It only had two bedrooms so while my mum slept downstairs on the put-u-up which we called the sofa-bed, my brother and I had to sleep together. So as not to disturb him, I was made to go to bed early the same time as him. I actually got into bed before him, like he always expected me to, as he made me get ready for bed before him. It was easier to do what he
I never told my nanny that my bedtime had been a lot later, especially while I lived with my other nanny. She worked in the evenings cleaning offices, so I would always walk with her across the Mead, a large field nearby, and over to the main road where she worked. I did have a male friend then who I played with, and who lived with his widowed mother in a prefab across the other side of the stream at the back of my grandparent’s house. Then later in the evening I would walk over to the main road to meet my nanny, and walk back home with her. As we sometimes had not had tea, for a treat my nanny would get fish and chips from the shop nearby. They were not rich, as well as lived what you would call a very simple life. My mummy told me years later that someone had phoned her, and told her I was running wild on the streets, which was why she came to take me away. I guess it might have looked that way, even if it wasn’t exactly true.
My brother didn’t like our maternal nanny that much, as he thought she was too strict, while I just accepted doing whatever she told me to, and just like when my mummy told me to do something. In many
Every Sunday morning my brother and I had to
On Sunday afternoons, my nanny expected my brother and me to have a bath around 3:30, so we were always ready for bed when we sat down for tea at 5, as we always had it early that day. My brother always made me have a bath first, in case his friends called round. He hated it when they did, as when I was ready for bed my nanny would often get me to answer the door in my pajamas. Even if the girls called for me, or boys for my brother, I had to tell them like my nanny had told me to that we were not allowed to play out, as we would be going to bed soon.
Now we were no longer rich, and like with my other nanny, we often went to jumble sales where she would find clothes for me to wear. I did not have that many when I first arrived to live with my nanny so needed some more.
My brother and I were on the short side, so when my nanny was given a load of girls vests and pants, and she told me to I was to wear them as I had few clothes, I did. As my brother had not seen the violence and that, he was now actually tougher than me. As he didn’t want to wear the girl’s things, my nanny did not push him to. As I hated violence and confrontation I just did whatever my nanny told me to do, and without complaint. In ways and knowing my brother was tougher than me, I now found I could not even seem to stand up for myself. At least there were some girls who lived close by that were my age, I became friends with.
My brother had quite a few male friends his age, but I usually kept my distance as they made fun of me for wearing girl’s clothes, or would pick on me whenever my brother did. He thought it funny as even when I reached 13 I often just wore the girl’s vests and pants at weekends and holidays. Often my nanny as we had hot summers then would tell me just to wear them even when I played out in the front garden. I preferred others did not see, but still did whatever my nanny told me to.
In time my brother did get our nanny to let him off having his bath early, as his friends kept calling around for him to play out. As my friends had stopped calling for me after a couple of times, my nanny saw no reason for me not to get ready for bed early, until she did let me bath later when I reached 15 if I wanted to. Often after
In time my brother did get our nanny to let him go to bed later, so he could play out with his friends. He had always been a bit of a whiner so usually ended up getting what he wanted. I was never asked, and so I would still get ready for bed before teatime. Then after I had washed up I would be in bed by 7 which became my usual time. My nanny thought since there was nothing I wanted to watch on the TV I should go to bed anyway. That became my usual time, even up to 15 when I was given the option to go later. I usually read unless my nanny came in to say goodnight, and then I was
After the end of the school summer
Although I did not like the school that much, my mummy and nanny did not seem that bothered when I told them what it was like. All they told me was that it would get better in time. I guess that since I had no choice, but to go there like they expected me to, I had to accept what they said.
I had only been there a couple of weeks or so, when one of the boys from another class hit me on the nose, and made me cry. The boys in my class had been wary of me before, but not any longer. I was made fun of for being a cry-baby, while I stood there, and tried to stop the bleeding while I cried.
There were two groups of boys in my class of about 15 boys and 15 girls. There
In the pecking order of things, I was now relegated to the very bottom of the class, as Bob started to pick me on me more after the boy hit me. Even the weaker group of boys thought less of me when they had been friendlier before, so I often had to sit on my own at the back of the class.
After the boy hit me and made me cry, it was Bob who started to pick on me the next day. I knew what was coming when he moved closer to me, while we had woodwork. He did not seem to mind when I saw the weaker boys back even further away, while I was too scared to, and knowing it would make it worse for me if I did.
The first couple of weeks it was mostly name calling, and I would have to tell him I was whatever he called me. Then it was soon a smack in the mouth, or twisting my
By then I hated school even more. I dreaded going in each
One of the worst problems for me after the
So moving to my new school, the emphasis was less on academia, but more a mixture of all different things. There was lots of homework too, as they taught less in the
I was never sure why, but my brother and I were made Wards of Court. We had a social worker who came every so often. She would sit with my nanny while they drank their tea. My brother and I had to be there so she could talk to us. The problem was with our nanny there I could never tell her how bad the education was, especially compared to my old schools. Even though I was not sure if she could have done anything, I could not bring myself to tell her about the bullying either.
Although the weaker group of boys also thought even less of me, they did finally let me be their friend. I was sure that was mostly so I was a buffer between them and Bob, just in case he started to pick on them again. To be allowed into their group I even agreed, that as the weakest I deserved to be bullied, and not just by Bob, but them as well. As I had no other friends inside
To understand why I didn’t complain, you have to understand the type of environment I lived in. Unlike where I was born, I was now living in a new town, where a lot of Londoners had moved to after the mid-fifties. Most of the kids my age and older were born in London. They were now living in what had been a rural area, and that had a profound
A lot of the kids born in the surrounding
If you think that was bad, it was even worse when the headmistress decided that they would no longer use the cane about a year before I left. No one I knew had ever been caned, but now even the younger boys openly bullied others, even the older children in the playground. I always made sure I stayed clear of them as some knew Bob, as well as knew that he bullied me. He was a skinhead then like his
It wasn’t just our school that was bad. There was the other school on the other side of town. That had a worse reputation than our school. Even when I was 13 there was a rivalry between the two. Kids from the other school would come to ours, and ours would go to theirs. When they came to our school, kids would even go out to meet them on our playing field
So the bullying carried on, and soon I was even telling some of the girls in my class what I
It wasn’t long before Bob even had me stand at the front of the
It wasn’t long before my mummy moved back to our old town where she still worked. Although she had got a two-bedroom flat, there was no talk of my brother and I going to live with her. Soon she had her own life to lead, as a single
Sometimes Bob did sit next to me in the corner at the back where I had to sit in class. He would often hit me on the hand hard with the ruler. Most who sat near saw me hold out my hand when he told me to. His other trick was to put drawing-pins upside down on my chair so the kids saw me sit on them when he told me to. Then there was the compass. Each time he threatened to stab me with
Seeing the way Bob treated me, the weaker boys started to treat me worse too. They would often send me to Coventry, even for what I thought were silly reasons. It was usually ages before they would let me be a friend again. Each time they would make me grovel often before that happened, even making me grovel in the playground in front of everyone, and begging for their forgiveness so I could be their friend again. While I was sent to Coventry and one of the other boys was sent to Coventry too, we would be friends. That only lasted until the other boy was forgiven, and usually long before I was.
Soon when the games teacher did not turn up for sports each time, I was always the only one that Bob told to stay
After then if we had time I was usually made to crawl back and forth the length of the changing-room on my hands and knees. Even the weaker boys, Bob made
A couple of times I
We had P.E. twice a week, on a Tuesday before dinnertime, and the last period on a Thursday. It was the latter when if the teacher was there we sometimes had to do a cross-country run. Since we might be a bit late getting back it was never a problem. I think our games teacher was often one of the male teachers who got bullied, as he did leave in time. As he was often away while the girl’s games teacher turned up, I can only speculate as to why he often did not turn up.
The following year before I turned 13 I also had to stand there naked in the middle of the
Another time when the sports teachers did not appear and the girls from our class were all congregated in the corridor area outside, as their door was locked, I was marched naked out of the room. I was then made to stand there arms at my side
The next time our games teacher did not arrive, the 4 weaker boys and I were told by Bob to stay naked. The weaker boys were then made to sit in a row, while Bob’s friends all stood around to watch. Bob then told to get down and kneel on the floor, and then crawl to him. Although the weaker boys protested and made a token resistance, but not too much, I had to use my hand and mouth to perform fellatio on them in turn when Bob told me to, as I was to do my best to get them aroused. Of
The next day most of the girls in
That was not the last time as, mid-term during the holiday, Bob told Martin and
When we arrived at Bob’s house, his friends
After we left Bob’s I did
The start of the school summer holidays when I was a few months past 13, I was even picked on by a couple of younger boys. I was down the park near to where I lived, and where there were the swings and that we played on. As
All through the
I think he thought even less of me, as he still called me a sissy especially as during the holidays I still often helped my nanny out each week when she had friends around for one morning each week. I would help her make the drinks and
After I started back at school, our year had to move across to the other building. It had once been the grammar school, and now housed the 3rd year and above. Our old school now held all the 1st and 2nd years.
Bob still bullied me each day. Mostly he would thump me, and I would still beg him not to hurt me. I guess after the incident with the two young boys I felt even weaker than ever.
It wasn’t that long when one weekend I came to the conclusion I deserved being bullied, because I was so weak. I
I guess in a way that it did please me, that it pleased Bob, that he had broken me, and I was now his to do with whatever he wanted, as well as would always obey him. After then he still bullied me each day to show I was his. In
Although whether it didn’t help me I am not sure,
I should also add that Bob was about as tall as me, while most of his friends were taller. Bob also said something to me when he first started to hurt me more, that made me think he may have been bullied too. Whether that was why he bullied me, I never knew.
I don’t think it was that long after we started school in the new building that all of our
When it was time for me to see the doctor and I left my lesson, my nanny was already waiting there. I’m not sure
The doctor gave me a thorough check out, and then having to cough while I still stood there naked. As I said I was quite big and she gave me a nice
It wasn’t the first time my nanny had seen me naked, as we were not allowed to close doors unless using the toilet. When I had baths or washed I would still always leave the door wide open. My nanny had always done that, and unlike my
Although Bob never got the chance for me to perform fellatio again, it wasn’t the last time I did it though. A couple of my brother’s younger friends seemed to know I was
A couple of months or so after we had started back to school, my nanny became more of a mummy to me. It was a bit of a bombshell when my mummy told us she was giving up the flat, and going to work in the states. I don’t think my nanny was too pleased, especially when she asked about us, and my mummy thought we would be fine. I’m not even sure if my mummy asked my nanny if she would look after us. I came to the conclusion that both my parents were
There is more going on that did affect my life, the time before, and the time of the bullying and what happened in the future. It is beyond the scope of this
My nanny and I did become closer after my mummy left. I did wonder if she
It was hard to know if it was Bob’s bullying that had affected me. I could never be sure that since I always preferred having girls rather than boys as
I did sleep with an older guy I knew when I was 16 and had just left school and started work. I also performed fellatio on him whenever he wanted me to. It would be almost another year before I actually slept with a woman, and who was actually one of my best friends.
My nanny did know how much I
My nanny still never said anything, even though she had caught me a few times as I still always left the bedroom door wide open. As soon as I got in from college and she put the kettle on, she would usually tell me that I had time to go
The worst part was Fridays, as I did not finish college until 5:
My mummy did come back to England at the start of 1972 to live when I was getting on for 17. She had come home for a short holiday each year, and out a lot so spending little time with us, and where she met a man. After coming home for good she married him shortly after. I would have preferred she did not marry, as I had always hoped she would get back with my daddy again, although he had remarried, and I had a half-brother. I was even
I continued to live with my nanny for quite a few more months
I know she did not want me to leave later that summer, when my mummy thought I should live with her, so we could be a family. In many
Later that year while I was still 17 I met Mary for the first time. I knew she was, as well as always be very special to me the moment I looked into her eyes. In
Mid 1973 when I 18 I got engaged to a girl, but it did not last. She said she was in love with one of the few males who was my friend at the time. I gave her my blessing as there was little I could do. I then met another girl and we dated. Even then the other girl would always call me when she needed my help. No matter how late it was, and I was not at work on the railways where I worked shifts, she would always call me, as she knew I would always be there for her. For some
I had not seen Mary for a while, but when I saw her next she was pregnant. Thankfully she did not marry the boyfriend, as he was no good for her. As I found she now lived just around the corner from me, when I could on Sunday afternoons I would walk with her so far down the hill, before we would then turn to head towards the east of the town. She was going to see her nan, while I was going to see my girlfriend or going to work. Those times were special to me, especially when the baby was born. I would now push the pram with Mary at my side. Even though I had my girlfriend I wished Mary and her daughter were
In 1974 I got engaged but the relationship died the following year. By the end of
In 1976 I dated a girl, and when she talked about seeing the vicar I bottled it. I am not proud of that knowing I hurt her really bad. Don’t get me wrong, as I often told myself that I wanted to be married by a certain age from 20 onwards.
More than anything it was what I wanted, as Mary really was the perfect one for me. She knew how I felt about her, and I knew how she felt about me, even though we never had to say. There was a problem though, and it made me
In 1980 I found Mary had married just before I had finished with my girlfriend of nearly 3 years. In 2010 I decided to see if I could find out how Mary was. There are reasons why I did that, but it is part of the other story.
One of the best times for me was when we moved back to my nanny’s town in late 1973 although I did miss seeing Mary. My nanny and step-granddaddy moved to live near us about 3 years later. As I worked shifts I spent every morning and afternoon when I was on evenings with my nanny. I would see her during the other weeks when I could. When she needed me to, I would drive her wherever she needed to go. In
I did have lots of girlfriends over the years, although I was not the sort who was after putting notches on the bedpost, no matter what most may have thought. It always had to mean more to me, as well as to be in a
I guess the strange thing was that in most of the
When my girlfriend who had me wearing a nightie often, she would bathe me each time, so I would smell of perfume like her.
Although I still do not like men that much, and only ever a few or more male friends over the years, I cannot say no to a man. They even seem to pick up that I am submissive as well as soft, so I will even let them do whatever they want to me. Even when some are very rough, I can never bring myself to stop them. And yes I am still weak, as well as still feel like that young boy inside, and still see myself as that sissy and fairy I was ever since I was 12 and first bullied. I also still live at home with my mummy who is a widow, and I still call her mummy, as that is what she still is to me, and still rules my life in many ways.
Name withheld by request