What does it truly take to break a person? If the bullying never happened to us, would we be more attractive, more outgoing and friendly, more caring about ourselves and others? When I read Mariah’s story I couldn’t stop thinking about her experiences that she so dramatically shares and about who she would see herself as if it didn’t happen to her. Through her words and each story, I can literally hear her self-esteem be ripped from her soul. She is brave to share and her honesty is both brutal and truthful. I hope that you will share with her some positive words in your comments to let her know that she is both not alone and that it can get better. ~Alan Eisenberg
For me I worry that the experience is far from over. I’ve never been a “popular”, or “pretty” girl. I’m unattractive being that I’m overweight and short.
Throw in my lack of money, glasses, joy of goth fashion, my high iq, and an awkward personality I might as well been born with a bullseye on my forehead. It started off simple. Guys in kindergarten whispering about me, yeah that early. Then it painfully increased.
I never had many friends. I was the girl who got a few good friends and no more. Rumors saying I didn’t bathe and ate all day spread. The two most signifigant moments were when a girl in my 8th grade class had been dating my older brother and they split up would follow me down the halls of the school asking me when the last time I bathed was. In gym she told the Teacher Something stunk. The teacher just joking told her maybe she should bathe. To this she loudly yelled It’s not me it’s Mariah.
I broke down crying. I normally would have shrugged it off but after weeks of her making sure she harassed me I just broke. The teacher just told me if she did it again let him know, but what about doing something then! All he did was make her walk laps all class her making sure to hold her breathe and nose every time she walked pass me. Then the day after the 14th birthday I was regretting it, the teaches always sing to you and the math teacher being my mom’s close friend I was really worried I thought I avoided it by skipping on my birthday. I knew someone would say something. Then the math teacher made sure the class sung and a girl, who was immediately mean to me for no reason said she would have to get me some soap.
Then I got to highschool. My social circle had decreased significgantly. I only hung out with one person. But I was possesive because I was scared otherwise I wouldn’t have that. The beggining was terrible. I had gotten rid of the main agressor who was my brothers ex, she got pregnant and left school. I was put in a class with all the mean kids. Who would pick on a kid for sitting down. All druggies, sluts, and jerks. Including one who had attacked my brother the year before and wasn’t suppose to be near me or my brother.
I told my mom because I was so scared of him I ditched first period the first day! I wanted to be transferred, but she had him transferred leaving me with his buddies. But first period wasn’t the worse aside from some paper airplanes because they talked to each other. The worse was when in one class I was sat next to one. I had never talked to him but he talked crap about me.
Then when a new kid came I quickly allowed him my seat to sit alone. The boy promptly informed the new kid that he had safed him from sitting next to me. I heard some people talk shit about me when they thought I wasn’t listening. Then my locker was set on fire. I had some papers sticking out and someone set them on fire. The principal swore t was probably nothing against me, just a coincidence. My locker stunk like ashes for a week. Then things got worse between me and my friend. She began lying to me and avoiding hanging out with me.
Due to the bullying I was so paranoid that I would constantly think that she was talking about me or something. The fact she admitted that most people ask her why she hangs out with me didn’t help. Eventually she said, If you don’t believe me than why are we friends. So I stopped being her friend. But after that things with my other peers got better some how. Kids stopped at least letting me hear them talk about me. the kid who sat next to me got nicer after realizing we listen to the same music.
I still don’t have any friends among my peers but I do conversate with them more. The thing is I wanna say this had a happy ending but it doesn’t. I will never be the same after all they did. I am still paranoid after hearing even friends talk about me behind my back, after hearing people lie to me. I just now finished my freshman year of High school. I know their still 3 years I got. I contemplated suicide at 8! No child should even have to fathom ending it. I would come home crying and tell my mom. She just told me to beat them up. But I couldn’t. I’m not that person. I can only be aggressive towards people I’m close with. I help people who hurt me. You threaten me and I’ll help you with your homework. That’s me.
Teachers told me let me know if it happens again, never thinking what about now? Because of the long term damage I will probably never have a fully healthy relationship. I’m so paranoid I can hear total strangers talk and worry it’s about me. I worry people are reading my mind, knowing it’s crazy but I’m so damn paranoid that it haunts me. I can’t stand to be criticized because I’m so desperate to feel like I matter.
I’m almost in tears typing this. I’m hoping that maybe this next three years will be good enough to mend some scars but I doubt it. Heck, I’m worried to put my real name in fear someone from school will see it but oh well.